Poem 18 Marriage

​I love the idea of commitment in human relationships; that two people can live together in a bond of love and grow together.
 
I tried to put my feelings into words, but I’m afraid I started to sound like a very poor imitation of an agony aunt and gave up trying.  I did get as far as deciding that a good marriage, in the sense of two people living together in a permanent relationship, was dependant on such staples as kindness, sensitivity, and an ability to share their lives without any sense of domination of one partner over the other. Suddenly, I remembered Geoffrey Chaucer!
 
I read ‘The Franklin’s Tale’ when I was at school.  It is the story of a ‘courtly love’ romance between Arveragus a noble knight and Dorigen, his fair damsel.  Chaucer’s Franklin has very definite ideas of what holds a marriage together.  Arveragus is determined that he will never try to dominate Dorigen.  Instead, he will obey her and follow her will in all things.  Dorigen replies that, given such freedom, she will do her best to avoid marital war or strife and promises to be a humble and true wife, and offers him her heart. 
 
The Franklin, who is telling the tale, is a humble man who is very impressed by the aristocracy and its courtly love antics!  He tells his fellow pilgrims that lovers should obey each other if they are to stay together.  Love will not survive mastery (domination),
 
“Whan maistrye cometh, the God of Love anon,
Beteth his winges and farewell, he is goon!”
 
He continues, that, in his mind, love is a free spirit and that neither men nor women want to be dominated.  Instead, people should be patient with each other because patience can achieve much more than violence.  Stoicism and courage in the face of adversity are far better than complaining about each other’s shortcomings.  His couple find a nice compromise in their marriage.  Arveragus declares that he will be,
“Servant in love, and lord in mariage.”
 Not a fair division in the eyes of many today, but a good try, nevertheless!
 
So, there it is: a recipe for a happy marriage.  It works well for Arveragus and Dorigen, for a year, until he decides to go across the sea from Brittany to England, for two long years, to show off to the world his prowess as a bold knight.  At this point their difficulties start.  It is ironic that problems in their marriage only begin when Arveragus puts his own fame and fortune before his love of Dorigen!
 
Arveragus and Dorigen are tested to the limit in ‘The Franklin’s Tale’. Finally, the couple triumph through love and mutual respect.  I like that!

​Fusion
 
The fusion of lovers
provokes a state
of marital singularity,
where two become one,
​not as one
but actually one,
alloyed,
confused,
diminished.
So, love is less,
and less may lessen.
         Best let our minds
         grow separate,
         our hearts aspire,
apart,
that we may flourish
side by side,
augment.
Thus, one plus one, or,
you plus me,
stay two,
and then that fraction more.
Like two strong plants,
in one soft bed,
we’ll thrive,
 distinct.
And when we, upward,
​ stretch for joy
​we’ll find our tendrils
touching, tangling,
and, in the course of time,
fused tight.
Two souls:
one light.
 
For Ruth on our fourteenth Wedding Anniversary, 2012.
With all my tender love,
Robert